Once Heidi and I got married, all the "Holidays" that I loved as a kid then became less passionate about the older I got, became very prominent again.  As a matter of fact, I loved all the holidays more as a dad than i ever did as a kid.  Although Halloween is not technically a holiday, it certainly is a fun day for kids and was a special day in particular for Hannah Marie.

Ya see, she was like her dad in her love for chocolate.  Yep, Heidi, Ash and Em were more of "fruity" candy lovers.  and although Hannah wouldn't shy away from Skittles when she could get them, she loved her chocolate most of all.

Hannah and Em planned what they were going to be weeks ahead of time.  We would buy thier outfits well ahead of Halloween and they would wear them around the house as soon as possible.  We had to try and put the brakes on as they would have probably worn them out by the time trick or treat came along.

Halloween of 2006 had Em and Hannah dressed up as a witch and devil respectively.  They trick or treated around our half mile block of homes as we did every year.  Our friends and family would congregate in our driveway for pizza and beverages as the block was overtaken by ghosts and gobblins.  I always had several masks and boxes of collected decorations from Halloweens past. 

Last year, Hannah spent her Halloween in the hospital.  She fought to get her pussy cat outfit on as she struggled from severe fatigue due to the rediculously intense chemo shot into her spine and daily radiation to her soft little bald head.  Her sweet friend Alyssa visited her at the hospital and spent quite a while with Hannah that day, despite forfeiting the chance to be collecting candy outside (thank you Alyssa and Chritina).

It was my night to spend with Hannah and she so wanted to be part of Halloween.  Some of the nurses and child life speicalists dressed up and visited, but Hannah was clearly dissapointed as being anywhere but home was not going to be good enough.  My heart broke for her that night.  Although she awoke several times, Hannah fell asleep early.  I lied next to her and rubbed her head with lotion for hours as it was completely burned from the intense radiation that she had endured.  Her body was swollen from all the shit that was coursing through her 10 year old little veins.  I knew the inevitable, but prayed for her treatment to get her back into remission...  I had to be upbeat to her, but was dying inside right along with her..  I could never have imagined ever having to go through that with her, but there I was..  dying too...

Friday is Halloween.  We will not be in the driveway with our friends and family.  There will be no pizza and no Hannah.  We hope to take Emma off this block and trick or treat with our friends elsewhere.  We'll come home when the ghosts and goblins are all home.... counting their candy..  just like Hannah used to do..

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Saturday is "Light the Night".  It's a three mile walk to raise money for the "Leukemia / Lymphoma Society".  Last year, Hannah was the honored patient. ... This year, we walk in her memory.   

Hannah looked forward to being the honored patient last year.  For months she ltalked about it and fully expected to lead the parade of people and celebrate the completion of her treatment.....  Due to her relapse, "momma" pushed her in her wheel chair... Exhausted by all the pictures, attention and being pushed 3 miles, she said she "never wants to be famous"....  Daddy carried her weakened body up the stairs and into bed.. Hannah slept with Momma that night.. one of the last nights she would realize she was here...

We will attend this walk again.  Not with hope for our baby, but because it's the right thing to do. 

My anger grows and guilt increases somehow.  I don't know why, but the further away I get from her dying, the more guilty I feel that I am "moving forward"... That there is a life after Hannah...  I don't want there to be... 

I miss her greatly..  more than silly words can describe..  the disbelief that she's not here anymore consinues.

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Happy Halloween my sweet Hannah.  I know what you are this year..  You're the prettiest Angel!!.. Now and forever..  I LOVE YOU.

Your Daddy..