Writing
Specifically for the audience that reads Hannah's website, I have felt it impossible to continue to use it as a forum to be honest about my feelings and my progress. Since I feel it necessary to only give very high level updates on our positions in life, I haven't been able to write with the same urgency as my content needs to be considerabbly tempered. It's difficult not to write as there are many things Heidi and I feel and are going through that I believe are somehow important to communicate. In particular, the last few weeks have been "off the chart" difficult for me and I can't explain the timing. Why I have this compulsion to try and get these thoughts and feelings out in writing, I don't know. I do know that the only audience that should read it are adults....parents most specifically.
So in plain vanilla, here's what's up right now. Emma is doing very well. She continues to get all "A's" in her very high level classes, has a bunch of super kids as friends and is very happy over all. I am so very proud of her. She's had a tough go of it for sure and has her difficult days, but the good, far out pace the bad now and that is very important to all of us.
Ashley has been away from Phoenix Childrens Hospital for 4/5 months now. It became too emotional for her and she's interviewing at several facilities while working in a home healthcare environment. She has a solid relationship with her boyfriend Ryan and is looking to move out on her own very soon. I don't see her very much as her relationship gets more serious, but I believe she's handling things very well from where she's had to come from. The stresses of life as an "adult" and no longer a student have been a challenge for her as one would expect. Hannah dying had certainly escalated the very difficult transition from school to "real life", but as we expected, she's progressed significantly. She is quite a "girl"... strike that... a woman..
Heidi is entering her 4th month of esthetics school and will graduate at the end of April. As Heidi typically does, she finished all of her course curriculum weeks early, earned a 99% on her final exam and has only the practical piece of her shcooling to complete. She loves what she's doing, is really good at it and is on track to finish with honors (difficult to do and is the highest you can get).
Heidi is passionate about her new, upcoming profession and is passionate about running (she kicks my butt), but has her very expected, consistent bouts of feeling the devastation of living without Hannah.
Me?... I'm almost on a different planet than my three girls. I'm so very analyitical and that's not good in my situation. Grinding about what happened and what went wrong and how did this happen only leads to no answers, heightened anxiety and depression. I know that... I do... but shutting her off or believing this was "god's plan" and "she's in a better place" is all nonsense (G rated) to me.
The bottom line is that she was my baby.... part of me... my best little friend... and she's gone. not because she wanted to.. not because she didn't fight to stay here... not because there was any plan for her... She's gone because she's gone... that's it... and
I don't want anyone to explain why she's gone... I'll find out when I get there.. that's it.. nothing more, nothing less..
I'm touching the tip of the iceberg here, but can go no further. My writings on my deepest thoughts cannot be published here as I am in an extended "low" to life's ups and downs.
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Thanks for stoping in today. I miss you all. You've been a great support to me and our family. Please drop a comment to touch base so I know you're still there.
Stay Tuned for a Charity Golf Tournament in Hannah's memory that we're putting together. I will publish something shortly when we know more details.
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If you have any questions or comments for me or Heidi that you think are not appropriate for this site, please drop me an email at bobbytee6302@yahoo.com
Lastly, I wanted to leave you with this little story about Hannah Marie.
As I stated in Hannah's eulogy, she was always the little jokester. Heidi and I were remembering this little capsule in time just the other day..
Hannah was about 5 or 6 and she loved telling jokes when she heard a good one. She had just heard a "Blonde" joke about a Blonde, a Red Head and a Brunette and was busting at the seems to tell us. She came flying down the stairs and said to me and Heidi, "Mom, Dad, listen to this joke...." pauses for a moment to try and collect her thoughts and delivery, then begins, " There was this Blonde.... a Red Head ........(pause)...and a Black Head".. That was it.. Brunette wasn't quite in her vocabulary yet... Heidi and I could not contain ourselves. Still the funniest "Blonde" joke I ever heard.
Love,
The Turowski's
hummm. I, like you, am also very "real" and analytical and I still can't wrap my brain around "why". I have come to realize there isn't a reason- some things just happen and that's so sad. I don't necessarily think there is a "grand" plan, sometimes bad things happen to good people and good families, end or story. The hard thing is the rest of the "good" family has to find a way to go on and I can't imagine how you are supposed to do just that. I think about Hannah often and I am just shocked that all of this occurred and that it wasn't just a bad dream so I can't even go there with how you must feel every day. They say it gets easier but I don't know what that means- it gets easier because you become more used to the feeling of utter loss and helplessness or it gets easier because you learn how to go on and just be "numb" to the heartbroken feeling that you carry with you? I don't know I just know that I don't get it. I do know though that you have many folks around you that are happy to lend a hand to help in any way we can. There are many of us willing to chat, listen or just sit and be there for you and your family. Please use us, lean on us and let us help you if possible. We read your comments/feeling and please know you are being heard and we are all still here for you.
Tina
(the former Ms. Crane to Hannah and Emma)
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Dear Turowskis--
I miss you all. I'm so glad to hear Emma is doing well--of course--and Ashley has such a special relationship in her life. And I can't wait for the day when I can have a facial from Heidi--let me know if you need anyone to practice on! And please let me know if there is something I can do to help out with the golf tournament--sounds like a great idea!
Bob, please know I would be happy to do anything--don't hesitate to ask, no matter what it is.
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Still here, Aunt J
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mmmmmm...Bob you're right there is no answer to all of our "Whys"...she is gone and it is so very sad, and it STINKS!!!! And bad things happen to good people and we may never know the answer to "Why???" Your feelings are legitimate, don't ever apologize...you have every right to say, feel, and do want you need to, to cope. I say good for you for writing it down!! I think about Ms. Hannah and all of you a lot and still cannot get my brain wrapped around the whole thing. I can not even imagine what it must be like for you, Heidi and the girls. You are loved by so many, if that can offer any comfort to you at this time of great darkness. I saw Emma the other day at LS and she looked beautiful as always. Keep doing whatever you need to....there are no right or wrong answers. Love each other with all that you have. God bless you all!!!
love,
Erin
Oh and good for you for keeping it "G" rated...you're better than me
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It was so nice to see you writing again. We love to see Hannah's benches in our community and feel her presence whenever we sit on them, as you must feel her presence every day. It must be indescribable that time moves on for most and yet you are faced with the "standing still" of the past and what could have been. We cannot imagine your pain, your struggles. Again, we are here for you. It is nice to hear that Emma is doing well and that Heidi has found a passion (I'm with Michelle! Ready to be your guinea pig!), and hope Ashley finds the right fit for her career as it sounds as though she may have found the right fit for her relationship. Bob, as you know, nothing will make this better - not time, not answers, nothing. But as friends who care about you and your family, we are here for you all.
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Just keep writing there is no better medicine than to express how you feel. Like you said you'll find out when you get there.
Peace and Love
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This post made me think of you. Ellie died just days after Hannah.
http://ellieskees.blogspot.com/2009/01/change-is-in-air.html
You guys are still in my prayers.
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Bob and Heidi
Yes, I am still reading your entries. (Look forward to them, you have a gift for writing.) Because writing doesnt come easy for me, I seldom make an entry. I just wanted you to know that you guys are still in my prayers and think of you often.
Heidi, put me down for a facial.
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Bob, It is hard for us to know what to say sometimes...we just hope and pray there will be some coping with the pain of losing Hannah... Why do we need to know why this happened? Even if we did it would still tick us off! It just stinks! I'm happy for the girls and I know Hannah would be proud of them. Bob, spill it here... even though we don't write each time, we are here with you. Karin
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Still here. Still thinking of you. Will say a prayer for you and your family. Glad to hear Emma's doing so well! I see her running around, and she is beautiful! Hope the b-day party was great! Also glad to hear Ashley is doing well, and it's great that Heidi's doing something new. Feel free to practice on me too, I'm just a few doors down! Bob... I hope you're writing your deepest thoughts and emotions somewhere, just to help you to continue processing things. Whatever it takes to get through. Thinking of you.... Carolyn and Joe
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